That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
