Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
