his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
