are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
