I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
