The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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