i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
