I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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