Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
