No awkward lesbian experiences without me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
