i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He passed out mid-signature
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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