even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
