Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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