I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
