And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
