is wine microwaveable?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
