dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
