The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
