i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
