I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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