I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
