if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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