grandma shit on top of the toilet
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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