apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
