Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
