dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I smell stomach acid.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
