when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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