You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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