having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
