You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
