My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
