I wish I only lived at night.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
