This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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