I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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