i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
