The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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