Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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