after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
