cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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