I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
