she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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