More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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