why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
