Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well I just put wine in my tea
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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