if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
