Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
