My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
