we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
