Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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