omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
