even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
did i walk over a car last night?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
