Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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