So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
